


show me how to lay my sword down

by lostin_space



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Drunken Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 13:33:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18852091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space
Summary: with a little liquid courage, alex finally confronts michaeltitle: atlas eight by sleeping at last





	show me how to lay my sword down

“Alex, c'mon.”

Michael watched across the bar as Liz unsuccessfully tried to peel Alex from the table.  They’d been there for hours and while it seemed it had originally begun as something fun, it turned into Alex drinking so much he could barely hold his head up. It was a sickening view. Alex was always one to try and keep a clear head. Even when they were kids and they had drinks, he always knew when to stop. But apparently, tonight was different.

And as strong as Liz was, their height difference made it a little hard for her to carry the Airman.

“Guerin, go help her,” Maria urged from her place on the other side of the counter.  For some reason, she’d been the number one advocate in trying to make sure Michael and Alex made up on a friendship level.  Multiple times she’d pushed them together and it made Michael wonder if he’d been able to minimize what he felt for Alex that much.

Alex had never gone into much detail and Michael wasn’t about to tell the girl he had a casual thing going on with that he was extremely in love with her friend for the last decade. Especially since Alex played nice with them both, burying the fact it bothered him. Maria seemed to think that was because he’d had some sort of unrequited love for Michael and that, when they were kids, Michael had just kissed him once and decided he was straight. He wondered how fast she’d drop him if he told her just how mutual their love was.

Only Michael was still trying to push past the pain.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Michael tried, his eyes never leaving Alex as he drunkenly laughed at Liz for not being able to pick him up.

“So you think watching them both faceplant into the ground is a better one?” Maria asked. After a few moments, he sighed and made his way over to where the source of far too much distraction was.

“Alright, Manes, come on,” Michael said as he reached the table. Liz gave him a thankful look through her tired eyes. They’d been taking turns on watching the pod Max was currently stuffed in and he knew tonight was her turn. She was probably running late to relieve Isobel, in fact. Not like she would mind.

“Guerin!” Alex cheered when he saw him, shooting to his feet and collapsing against the other man. Michael couldn’t hide the confusion that appeared on his face but did his best to hold Alex upright.  While Alex hadn’t been mean following Michael asking for time and then hooking up with Maria here and there, he hadn’t been inherently cheerful either. 

“Can you please drive him home? I have to get out to the desert.” Liz pleaded. Michael was hesitant to agree, but Alex was clinging to him and playing with the scruff on his jaw and how could he just throw him in the back of Liz’s car when he was doing that? 

“I guess. I’ll text you when he’s settled.” Michael sighed, slowly beginning to lug the man home.  It didn’t help that he wasn’t exactly trying to help by walking, he was far to busy stroking Michael’s cheek. Any other situation, Michael might’ve thought it was the cutest thing in the world. Actually, even in this situation, it was the cutest thing in the world.

“Wait up!” Maria called as they reached the door of the Wild Pony.  Michael shot her a confused glance as she came barreling their way, adjusting her jacket. “You’ve been drinking, let me drive.”

Michael looked down to Alex who was dead weight against him, “You sure?”

“Well, I’m not letting you drive, so either let me take you or I’ll call a cab. I’d offer to just take him myself, but I can’t carry Alex into bed, so…” Maria said, giving him that look that said he didn’t really have a choice in the matter.

“Are you guys dating?” Alex asked.

“No.” Maria and Michael answered in unison and Alex released a dramatic sigh of contentment. Michael had to catch him when he relaxed even more. 

“Then let’s go!”

Michael reluctantly let it happen.  He dragged the Airman towards Maria’s truck, hoisting him into the back seat with a little mental assistance. He had intended to get into the front seat, but Alex held him by the collar with some form of death grip. So he sat in the back.

“How cozy.” Maria teased, smiling in the rearview mirror as Alex cuddled up to his chest.  It was so, so awkward. He wasn’t used to being affectionate in public and he definitely wasn’t used to it when Alex had made it relatively clear it was over for good. Or, at least that’s what he got from him avidly ignoring him.

They were halfway to the cabin before Alex spoke again.

“I like this better when you’re shirtless.” And to think he assumed it couldn’t get any more awkward. Maria snorted loudly from the front seat. Michael questioned if he was actually this drunk, or if he was using it as an excuse to say shit he shouldn’t. 

“Yeah, well, I like my shirt on,” Michael responded.  Alex laughed, looking up at him and going back to playing with the hair dotting his cheeks, jaw, neck.

“You do not.  You love being shirtless because you like skin to skin contact. Sort of like a baby.” Alex said, gently jabbing his thumb into Michael’s chest before resting his hand on his stomach. Michael found himself fighting to keep his breathing normal. He missed him. God, he missed him.

“Oh yeah? What else does Michael like?” Maria called, grinning wildly. Michael glared and had to wonder what the hell was she doing. She didn’t realize what they were, what they’d been.

“He likes… being kissed awake all over.  He likes back rubs and having his hair pulled.  Oh, he likes when we take baths together so I can wash his hair.” Alex trailed. Michael just looked at the ceiling. He didn’t want to see Maria piecing it together. That he’d sort of lied to her by not telling her just how involved they’d been. It had been easier to let her think it was one-sided.

“Alex,” Michael said pleadingly. He didn’t want this rehash. Not only for Maria’s sake but for his own. Hearing it made him remember what he didn’t fucking have.

“Oh, but you know what he  _doesn’t_  like?” Alex began, sitting up straight and looking Michael in the eye. The theory that he was faking suddenly became a whole lot more realistic.

“What’s that?” Maria asked softly.  Michael shut his eyes, letting his heart thud harder and harder as it tried to burst. 

“He doesn’t like when you give him his a taste of his own medicine,” Alex said sharply. His tone physically hurt. “Look at me, Guerin.”

Reluctantly, Michael pried his eyes open.  He was never more sure in his entire life that it was over. Absolutely, completely over. Alex hated him. He’d waited for his moment, to get him where he couldn’t leave. Fuck.

“You do this thing where you tell me all the shit you feel knowing I don’t know how to respond. What am I supposed to say to ‘I never look away’, ‘our connection is cosmic’, ‘nothing’s changed for me’, all that shit that you tell me?  And the one time, the  _one_  time I can finally give it back to you in the way you do it, you can’t take it.  It’s easier for me to just be physical, for me not to feed you romantic lines. But I did. I told you I don’t look away, I told you I’m done treating you like a war, I’m done being so scared of my father that I’ve become him, that I’m done walking away. I told you in your own special way how much I fucking love you, twice, and you  _stood_   _me up_. I only did it because I thought we were finally on the same page.” Alex’s voice was a little wobbly, each sentence getting a little louder as he lost a little more control. That killed him.

“Alex,” Michael tried again, but he was cut off.  

“Do you know what that tells me? That you’re just scared. You can dish it out, but the moment someone actually wants to show you that you’re loved, you freak out. You’ve spent so long telling yourself that you’re alone that you’d rather fuck up a chance at something we’ve spent  _ten_  years building. What are you so fucking afraid of? I told you I’m not walking away anymore.”

“I am scared, Alex! Not just of being with you either! Do you know how hard it is to completely separate you from the shit your father had done? I know you’re not the same, I know you’re not like that, but he had you under his thumb for so many years! He wants me dead. Being with you puts me right there and I just want something  _easy_. I want to be able to breathe.” Michael argued back, daring to look at Alex. His dark eyes were so intense, it made them hard to meet.

“You know me, Michael Guerin. The only time I’ve ever been able to breathe is when I’m with you. That’s how it was when I was seventeen, that’s how it was every time I could come home, and that’s how it is now. I’m putting myself out there. Let me make it hurt less to be around me, show you it can be easy.” Alex said.  Michael groaned, putting his head against the seat in front of him.  This was too much.  The topic was way, way too heavy for the amount of whiskey he’d had. Maybe Maria was right to say he shouldn’t drive.

Oh God, Maria.

Michael tried to catch a glimpse at her face, but it was hard.  She didn’t seem to have much of a reaction to the shit she’d just heard.  Michael sighed.

“Are you actually drunk, Alex, or were you faking it?” he asked, but got his answer when he focused on his hazy eyes.

“Maybe not as drunk as it seemed, but yeah. Had like half a bottle of tequila.” Alex admitted.  Despite his best efforts, an amused smile found Michael’s face.

“So you sobered up just enough to tell me off?”

“Honestly, the tequila definitely played a big part of it,” Alex said, relaxing against the door as he stared right back at Michael.  He was wearing a smile that seemed to scream his previous statement over and over:  _let me make it hurt less._

The words were too much, so Michael let himself actually look at the man as a distraction.  His hair had grown up a lot, more than it was in high school, and it looked  _good_.  That didn’t even touch the fact that he’d picked up eyeliner again, though.  He’d also started wearing these thin, colorful button-ups that he left half open and paired with pants so tight Michael nearly forgot they’d just been arguing.  Speaking of the arguing, his cheeks were still red from it.  That looked really good too.  Michael decided to completely ignore the fact a few of his nails had been painted.

“We’re here,” Maria said, breaking the silence and the fact that they’d been staring at each other like their life depended on it.

“You need help getting out, or‒” Alex waved him off before he could finish, reaching for the door.  Alex slid out, giggling to himself as he swayed and held onto the door.  The minute he tried to take a step on his own, Michael had to catch him with his power.  

“Whoa,” Alex laughed, wiggling his fingers as he looked down at himself as if he could see the power that kept him upright.  “It really hits when you stand, y’know?”

“That’s how it works,” Maria said, “Where are your keys?”

Michael climbed out behind Alex, replacing his mental grip on Alex with a physical one as he searched to give his keys to Maria.  She gave Michael a very clear, ‘we’re talking about this’ look before heading to unlock Alex’s door.

Oh joy.

“But, Guerin, I wasn’t done,” Alex said as they walked inside the cabin.  Michael sighed, but let him speak.  He was pretty sure Alex was going to talk if he let him or not.  “I, I really did think we were on the same page that night, but i get it.  I’m not perfect, I strung you along, so it’s kinda like payback.”

“Alex,” Michael began, watching Maria open his bedroom door all while not looking at them.

“Shhhh, I’m talking,” Alex said, placing his hand over Michael’s mouth, “My point that I’ve been  _trying_  to make is that we’re even.  So, like, I wanna know what the next move is.”

Michael furrowed his eyebrows as he placed Alex on his bed, removing his hand from his mouth.  Alex tilted his head back, gazing up with challenging eyes and the faintest smirk.  That did things to Michael he didn’t want to admit.  He sat down on the bed beside him.

“What move?”

“You’re hard to read, Guerin.  It’s really easy to misinterpret what you want.  I know it hurts with all the bullshit my family is, but I’m so tired of this game we’ve been playing for years.  So, tell me.  Are we actually over, or do you just need more time?” Alex paused, leaning forward to place his hand on Michael’s cheek.  “Or were you just waiting for the green light that I still want you?”

Michael stared at the man in front of him, his eyes constantly sliding down to his lips as he mulled over the options that were being laid out in front of him.  It made finding a response hard.  He just had to be so, so hot.

He snapped himself out of it.

“You’re drunk,” he said, grabbing Alex’s leg and pulling it onto his lap.  Michael rolled up his pant leg.  Alex’s hand dropped off his cheek.

“I can do that myself.”

“You can barely stand, you think you should be handling a military grade leg worth thousands of dollars?” Michael said, focusing solely on removing the prosthetic.  If he looked anywhere else on Alex, he might forget what he was doing.  He might give an answer that was whiskey induced rather than logical.

“You didn’t answer me.” Alex said, leaning back again as he let Michael handle his leg.  It took an absurd amount of self control not to look up at Alex’s expression when he reached up his thigh to remove the sock.

“You won’t remember this conversation in the morning.” Michael said, looking up to Alex’s face once he finished.  Alex leaned closer once again, his hand touching Michael’s chest and slowly making its way towards his jaw.  Michael gulped so hard it made Alex smile.

“Then call me in the morning and remind me.” Alex whispered, grabbing his chin and turning it just enough to place a long kiss to his cheek.  Heat pooled in Michael’s stomach, shooting through his body as he held onto any semblance of self control he had left.

“Okay, you need to go to bed.” Michael jumped to his feet.  Alex gave a sweet smile in response to his flustered face.

“I’m gonna want that answer in the morning, Guerin,” he said.  Michael nodded.

“Yeah.  Good night.”

Michael took a heavy breath when he finally got out of the room.  He found Maria standing there with her arms crossed.  He really wasn’t in the right mindset for this conversation.  He was still weighing in his mind if he actually wanted to leave when Alex looked like that and straight up told him that, for him, it wasn’t over.  He wanted Michael and he was willing to wait.

“So I take it you and Alex were more than a kiss back in high school, huh?” she asked.  Michael sighed, licking his lips.

“Look, I-I’m sorry.  Me and Alex… I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you when I knew I wasn’t over him.” Michael admitted.  Maria smiled, shaking her head.

“You don’t have to apologize to me.  I shouldn’t have gotten involved with  _you_  when I knew you weren’t over each other.  I did it to myself.  Besides, we’re not dating.  I’m not hurt.” He stared at her for a moment, wondering if she was just saying that to make him feel better or if she actually meant it.  He really fucking hoped she meant it.

“You sure?”

“Look, I never really saw you and Alex around each other before.  I was sort of convincing myself that it was one-sided or that maybe it was just old feelings that were confusing.  But tonight, I really got to  _see_  you both.” Maria said as they began walking towards the door.  Michael made sure to lock up the house.

“I’m sorry you had to hear all that.”

“I’m not even talking about the things you said, Guerin, I’m talking about the way you look at each other,” Maria said, a small laugh in her voice as they made their way to the truck.  He furrowed his eyebrows. “You guys were yelling at each other and you still could only make the world’s biggest heart eyes.  And don’t even get me  _started_  on the way your aura changes when you touch each other.  It… it’s unreal.  It’s beautiful, honestly.”

Michael didn’t know what to say as he climbed into the passenger seat.  He knew he wasn’t exactly subtle when it came to the way he felt about Alex, but everyone around him had been completely oblivious to it for so long that he just assumed no one would ever pick up on it.  Leave it to the psychic.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing!” Maria scolded, shaking her head.  “I’m not mad at you, that’s something you can’t help.  You really can’t help who you love.  And, even if you could, I don’t want you feeling guilty for not being able to feel like that about me.  It’s okay.”

“Is it?” Michael asked.  It didn’t feel okay.  In fact, he felt like shit.  He was pretty sure he’d lost Alex and that was the main thing allowing him to keep on with Maria after Max was put in the pod.  And he did genuinely like Maria.  They weren’t dating or anything, but that wasn’t exactly off the table.

Well, after tonight it was.  

Michael fully intended to call Alex the next day, once they were both sober, to ask how much he meant what he said.  If Alex thought he could possibly make it hurt less, make it feel less a giant risk every time he let himself love him, then he wanted to try.  There was a reason he loved Alex so hard after so much time apart.  Even if it hurt, he owed it to himself and to Alex to find out  _why_.

“I want someone to look at me the way you look at Alex and the way Alex looks at you,” Maria admitted.  A small smile pulled at his lips.  Their feelings for each other was something to aspire to have.  Who knew.  “I’d be a shitty person if I tried to force that to be you when I know you already have it.  You both deserve happiness. I don’t want to keep that from you.”

Michael scoffed as he shook his head, marveling at the girl that he really wished he could love.  She really was too good for him.  Or, at least on a completely different playing field.  He hoped she got someone that loved her like she deserved. “You’re really fucking cool, you know that?”

Maria smiled, “I know.”  

**Author's Note:**

> also on my tumblr: spaceskam


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